Daytrotter Exclusive: Bigfoot Speaks About Recent Events (As Told To Graham Roumieu)
Aug 21, 2008
Words by Sean Moeller
Illustration by Joel P. West
It has been an emotional week for Bigfoot and he’s understandably shaken up. First, two dudes from Georgia claim to have found the dead body of the "mythical" creature in the backwoods near their home. They fly to Palo Alto, Calif., to hold a press conference before gullible laymen who think that Bigfoot could ever die. Everyone takes this news seriously, but the two Bigfoot hunters tell everyone that the actual carcass is being kept in an undisclosed place to - get this - assure the safety of the other Bigfoot people who they saw milling around in the woods near the body. They worried that poachers would come and turn this haven for the elusive creatures into a giddy killing field, with the gloriously hairy beasts being picked off by snipers left and right. They brought with them a photograph - not really evidence - of a furry thing folded into what looks to be a freezer. Puh-leeze!! Daytrotter, as an entity, maintains that Bigfoot is invincible. After it was revealed earlier this week that the figure loaded into that freezer was just a rubber suit packed with water and shit (yeah, real, upstanding, professional people actually had their time wasted thawing the thing out and analyzing the "body" through the entire process), we decided to talk to Canadian author and illustrator Graham Roumieu - the co-author of the recently released autobiographical work _Bigfoot: I Not Dead_ - to help us contact Bigfoot himself to set the record straight, to sort all of this confusion and hooey out. The hoax did raise some concerns for the big man and we’re expecting some people to get pubed because of it. We expect vengeance to be swift and bloody. We expect Bigfoot to be the renaissance monster that he is - the Oscar Wilde of the woods that he’s always wanted to be. We expect some dumb ass kids and their soccer mom moms to be thrown off cliffs in red-hot rage. Bigfoot is the great underdog and no hillbilly from the Georgian mountains is going to find him dead in the woods. It’s gonna take a war to fell this mo-fo!
*The exclusive Daytrotter interview with Bigfoot (thanks to Graham Roumieu):*
*Daytrotter:* Your newest book about not being dead could have been considered tragic had the hoax last week not been a hoax. Were you laughing your ass off watching that press conference?
*Bigfoot:* Bigfoot not think funny. Make think what might happen if Bigfoot really die. Very disrespectful. No want be put in freezer and parade around by hillbilly liars. If really was dead Bigfoot me ghost would have been pull man jaw off and throw through wall and take big ghost shit in man bloody face hole.
Want funeral be nicer. Lot of flower and musics and people throw self on funeral pyre. Tea and finger sandwich serve after ceremony in lovely garden. Maybe sing song of Bigfoot like viking sing. Nice melody.
*DT:* Have you ever been to Georgia? Do you know any family still living there? Those Bigfoot hunters who said they found you dead told reporters that they were keeping the exact location of your frozen body a secret to protect the other "Bigfoots" still living there. Are there more of you?
*BF:* Really none of anybody business where Bigfoot go, but if really want know, last time Bigfoot in Georgia was during filming of "Smokey and the Bandit". You remember that scene where Smokey and Screechy Lady pull off side of road into forest and make out? Original script call for threesome with Bigfoot. Shots left on cutting room floor. Some say too hot! Some say because Bigfoot mustache too nice and Burt Reynolds jealous and demoralized by it. If other Bigfoot are around I not know about it. People who only hang out with family are big losers.
*DT:* In your book, you seem to try and lead a pretty active social life, getting out, trying to date. You're not really hiding, are you?
*BF:* Depend on who looking for me. If all people want is preconceived notion of Bigfoot, then me want nothing do with them. If have hide from trophy hunter and biologist, then Bigfoot hide. Have to hide from crazy fan too. No like them when they touch Bigfoot and ask make peace sign for cheesy camera pose portrait.
Otherwise pretty much out there like anybody else. Only real disadvantage is Bigfoot natural camoflauge. Tend to just blend in. Not so much on purpose.
*DT:* Who are your literary heroes? You've name-dropped Kerouac.
*BF:* "Crazy From the Heat" by David Lee Roth very good book. He new Kerouac.
*DT:* You seem to disagree with rap music. What's your take on Lil' Wayne?
*BF:* If Lil' Wayne keep giving Bigfoot monies like agree, I no hurt him. We agree on that.
*DT:* Have you been watching the Olympics? I feel like you could be a dominant force for the U.S. in Beijing. Would you agree?
*BF:* Afraid all flash bulb at opening ceremony drive Bigfoot into homicidal rage. Games be over before they start. Bigfoot win everything by default.
*DT:* Why haven't you gotten a cell phone yet?
*BF:* Still prefer smoke signal and yelling. Also, afraid drop mobile phone down outhouse. No want get. Devils live down outhouse.
*DT:* What's next for you?
*BF:* Thinking of make cookbook and maybe have cooking show. If Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay can pull off, then Bigfoot can too. Simple forest cooking mostly. Stab with stick, put in fire.
*DT:* Are you the most misunderstood celebrity in history?
*BF:* No, but think maybe the most under-appreciated. Remember that time you get drunk and no remember how get home, but remember have no money for cab?
You welcome.
*DT:* Being such a frequent subject of the National Enquirer, surely you must have some thoughts about the bossiness of Suri Cruise as reported this week. No?
*BF:* Who is Suri Cruise? Sound like shitty boat ride.
"Purchase Bigfoot's book":http://www.amazon.com/Bigfoot-Not-Dead-Graham-Roumieu/dp/0452289564/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219377171&sr=1-1
"Graham Roumieu Official Site":http://www.roumieu.com
"Penguin Books Official Site":http://www.penguin.com
