Words by Gabe Durham//Daytrotter illustration by Shannon Palmer

Just to clarify, the above title is not the gist of the review, it’s a plot summary of “Superman Returns.” Seriously.

Before we get to the plot, though, let’s talk about Jesus.

With the possible exception of Joseph Smith, Superman is the closest thing we’ve got to an American Jesus. Jim Caviezel probably knew that when he expressed his interest in the role of the man of steel, and Brian Singer probably knew it when he (wisely) turned Caviezel down. Maybe the studio knew that when they turned down Kevin Smith’s original script (“Superman Lives”) about the death and resurrection of Superman.

Those choices didn’t stop screenwriters Dougherty and Harris from putting Jesus all over this movie. Before the film even begins, a Star Wars-esque prologue characterizes Superman as “our greatest protector.” Later, Superman’s dad (Marlon Brando) says, via videocrystal, “I have sent them you, my only [begotten] son.” When Lois tells Superman, “The world doesn’t need a savior. And neither do I,” Superman counters, “Every day I hear people crying out for me.” Finally, the last line of the film is Superman’s promise of omniscience (Spoiler: He doesn’t die.), “I’m always around.” So be good for goodness sake.

Of course the Jesus-parallels were in the Superman story from the start, but that’s all the more reason to assume the audience members are smart enough to figure it out themselves. This Superman (Brandon Routh) suffers from the same savior complex that Neo did, and just like Neo, his acting is way too stoic for his own good.

I don’t blame Routh. Consider the plot he was working with.

Superman has been gone for five years because some meteorologists had thought they found his home planet of Krypton. But they were wrong, so now he’s home and things are different. Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) has a fiancé and child because she gave up on waiting for Superman, Lex Luther (Kevin Spacey) got out of a double life sentence because Superman missed his court date, and, gosh, everybody else is just real glad to have Superman back.

The movie takes an over an hour to establish any significant conflict. Clark Kent enjoys having Jimmy (Sam Huntington) sucking up to him again and Luther is loving life out of prison, boating with his whiny girlfriend (Parker Posey) and his goons. When at last Lois and her son are finally kidnapped by Luther, it is not because of a master plan to lure Superman into his clutches, but just by dumb luck.

Luther finally saves the day by threatening the lives of—not, millions—billions of people. And he really has his supervillain rulebook memorized. In one scene, he tells Lois about his dastardly plan with zero provocation on her part. In another, he begins a speech with, “Have you heard of Prometheus?” Evil geniuses are just crazy about ancient Greek folklore.

There are some talented actors here, but only Spacey, Huntington and occasionally Bosworth are given room to breathe while Posey and Routh are left behind. Routh would have made a great Clark Kent if Kent existed in this film as anything other than “the alter ego.”

In between the haphazard plot twists, a few awesome things happen. In one scene, a slow-motion bullet hits Superman directly in the eye and crumbles to the ground. In another, he stops an airliner seconds before it plummets into a packed baseball stadium. Bryan Singer directs the action scenes capably and cleverly. But were these scenes worth leaving “X-Men” for?

This is a film with next to nothing to say, but it takes just over 2 ½ hours to say it. It’s like the franchise has been collecting dust for long enough that Singer, Dougherty and Harris were afraid that if they took a single creative liberty, Superman would break. Instead, they made him invincible.

I give this film 7.25 out of 9 stars in costume majesty, an “A+” in P.E., and an overall light slap on the face.

The appeal of a hero is that he or she overcomes impossible odds to defeat evil. For Superman, the cards were stacked in his favor from the start. Even when he goes into a coma, we know he’ll rise again. We’ve read the Bible.