Trust me, while their last EP, 2005’s Carry the Wood, gave me the strength to finally dance at an indie rock show, a more confident man needs a more confident record. Thus The Teeth deliver one with glorious — dare-I-say-ditties — on their latest boomstick. Spicy and strong, this record belongs somewhere besides RJD2’s iPod. I think I know where.

I want to make Teeth’s You’re my Lover Now the soundtrack to my futuristic sci-fi thriller movie. It is exactly how the future will sound, filled with harmonious vaudevillian sounds that would permit anything from rocket car chase scenes to sexy robot love scenes. People can shout “Go, Run, Hurry before the Martians Strike!” and it will make sense with any of the thirteen songs playing.

The Teeth will score a future where roller coasters are rusted and unwanted, clowns only exist on tattooed biceps, and the last sighting of cotton candy was in a multi-vitamin flavoring laboratory. People wear virtual reality helmets all the time and only interact through online peer-to-peer file sharing. The sun is blotted out because it creates too much of a glare on everyone’s Sonys causing the grass to be spray painted green. When the high-ups in the global-ecto-government decide to drill for water under the moon colony Gamma-China-VII they create distrust with the moon-men who have been summoning powerful solar energy and bottling it in recycled Mountain Dew 2-liters, which they then use to fuel their rockets at the centennial NASCAR Space Race. This causes the inter-planetary sportsmanship committee to declare war. Bright lights follow, maybe a dance sequence between two disbanded electrons, and a good forty minutes of gizmo-toting battle scenes in time with Teeth songs. College students will watch it stoned in dorm rooms and their roommates will ask them to turn it down because they think they are throwing a dance party. Star Trek conventions will contact the Teeth’s manager, inquiring about performing in Akron. You’re My Lover Now will be sold in both the rock/pop section and the soundtrack section of Virgin Megastores confusing a lot of over-pierced employees. The Teeth will become the BeeGees of science fiction soundtracking and none of their original fans will dare to utter, “I prefer pre-sci-fi Teeth to post-sci-fi Teeth,” because it won’t make any damn sense.

So that’s that. You will have to see the movie to find out who wins the hand of the galactic cyber-princess. It will be scored by You’re My Lover Now and star the guy from “Law and Order.” We may even persuade the studio to let us do it in black and white, or fuck the studios, we’ll make it ourselves.

The Teeth Official Site
Park the Van Records